April 24, 2013: Fishycle

There was once a man who owned a particularly large fish, one that was bigger than him.  He had a system of large containers filled with water grafted on top of the fish's gills, along with pumps to keep the water moving, so that the fish could breathe without needing to stay in a tank.  He also had wheels, handles, and bicycle pedals added on to the creature.  In the end, he had a large mobile fish that he could use for his personal transport from work to home.

Soon, however, the fish grew tired of being used as a wheeled mount.  On a Thursday that very week, the fish knocked it's owner off of it's back and repeatedly ran him over.  The man was sent to the hospital with severe injuries, and the fish escaped scot-free.

April 19, 2013: Opporteeuuneahteee

Opportunity describes a chance to do something important.  Truly great opportunities are known to be exceedingly rare, and to be able to recognize and act on one is one of the wisest things a person can do.  They appear to everyone, but they are more often than not left unrecognized.

Opportunity invariably came to all major figures in history.  Had not a fortunate opportunity shown itself to, say, George Washington or Thomas Edison, we would be without our government or reliable ways to control electricity.  Opportunities can also come more mild to most, providing a short increase in providence for those who happen across them.

April 18, 2013: Shocking!

Lightning is a natural phenomenon attributed to strong storms, and is always accompanied by it's sound counterpart, thunder.  It is the result of titanic electrical charges building up inside certain clouds, with the only place it can ground itself to usually being the ground.  Lightning is extremely lethal, being known to take more lives per year than tornadoes.

Lightning bolts are known to be hotter than the surface of the sun, a testament to their intensity.  In large sandy areas, such as deserts, lightning is able to instantly solidify the sand it strikes into glass.  Should we be able to harness lightning for personal use, 'twould be a great boon indeed.

April 12, 2013: WONDERFUL BUTTER CANDY

Caramel is the result of cooking down sugar, which becomes a smooth, thick liquidous substance that makes for an excellent candy.  Pictured above is the old man from one of the old Werther's Original commercials, the brand name being that of a type of hard caramel candies, and a good example of what can be done with caramel.  The title of this entry is from a line from the same commercial.  Caramel even works wonders on apples.

The creation of caramel is a process known as caramelization, achieved by heating sugars to 340 degrees Farenheit (170 degrees Celsius), which melts the sugars down into their sticky confectionary form.  Adding water to the mix creates caramel sauce, a thinner variety useful for toppings.  Milk caramel is similar, created by heating sugars and milk together to only 120 degrees Celsius, which causes the milk to caramelize, but not the sugars.

April 11, 2013: Caught in a Snare

The snare drum is a principal member of the percussion family.  It is used in nearly every music genre, from orchestra to rock, to even marching bands.  It can be used to put down an excellent rhythm, especially if you don't want your drumline to be too bass-heavy.  It blends so well with most genres, likely due to the range of music it works in despite the fact it is unpitched.  The warm, punchy sounds are something I always find satisfying.

Snare drums operate by using snares made of various materials, usually spiraled metal cords, that vibrate against the bottom head when the drum is hit.  It is also possible to move the snares off of the bottom head, in which case the drum has a tonal similarity to a tom.  The snares can also be adjusted to alter the sound when the drum is stricken.  The size and depth of the drum also influences the sound - drumkit snares and standalone orchestral snares are usually similar in size, while marching snares are much larger and have a distinctly different sound.

April 10, 2013: Horrible Hammer-Watching Dog

There was once a zombie dog, one that owned his own dog house with electricity and television.  He enjoyed watching old Hammer horror films, for obvious reasons.  He also still had some nice thick fur on his head from his living days, and very much enjoyed to brush it, although he had to be careful to not pull his flesh off of his skull for it was too rotten to be handled roughly.  He also liked to pelt intruders with hammers.  He led a happy un-life, although he couldn't go out very much due to being a zombie, so he hired a human to act as a supplier, who would go to the nearest prison and request death row inmates for the dog's food, and who would also buy new movies for him.

The happiness would soon end, however.  The neighborhood became fully aware of the undead animal, and with no regard for the fact that it was placid and only wanted to eat dangerous criminals and watch movies in peace, they marched upon the hapless beast, got into it's supply of hammers, and tried to kill it.  The supplier luckily returned at this time and explained everything to the angry mob, calming them considerable and making them return to their homes.  The dog invited several people over as an apology for scaring them, and had a massive marathon of his movies.  They just had to cope with the smell.

April 9, 2013: Freewriteception

Freewriting is the act of writing about whatever one wants.  It is great for encouraging creativity, for it allows students to do whatever they please with their assignment.  Creativity is good, and thus freewriting must also be good!  This assumption is only logical when you take into account the slow decline of creativity in students...at least, that's what I see, MOST of the time.  Thusly, I like freewrites and am freewriting about them!

When one freewrites, it gives a sense of freedom, free of any non-free assignments that suffocate and discourage freeness.  Freewriting makes it so that if you want to write about something, you can without worry of the authority coming down upon you.  It's truly writing free of outside intervention.  Free free free free free free free free free free.

April 8, 2013: IS IT OVER YET

Beginnings and ending...where to begin?  They're perhaps the most diametrically opposed opposites of all, everything about one being antithetical to the other.  The only similarity they share at all is the fact that they're at either end of something.  Thus, drawing any more comparisons than what have already been are is truly a daunting task.  It's almost to the point of impossibility, even!

However, that's not to say it's completely impossible, as it is about to happen.  Even though beginnings and endings are completely opposite, they are still two sides of the same coin.  Truly, it's not possible to have one without the other - every beginning has an ending, every ending has a beginning.  Such seems to be a trend among diametric opposites.

April 4, 2013: The Great National Pastime

Baseball is commonly known as the National Pastime, thought as a symbol of the United States.  The truth is, however, different in that baseball's early origins were possibly in a 1344 French manuscript, perhaps drawing a comparison between modern baseball and a multitude of old French sports.  It wouldn't be until 1845 that Alexander Cartwright, however, would develop the Knickerbocker rules for the game and end up being lauded as the father of modern baseball.  The sport finally went professional in 1869 withe the birth of the Cincinnati Red Stockings, and it has a long history from here.

Baseball is played with two teams, in a time-frame of nine innings, which are the time it takes for an entire team to hit a thrown ball with a bat.  After hitting the ball, should it not be a foul by going out of the side bounds, the person who hit must then run around the four bases at the edges of the 90 foot diamond without being touched by the ball, or they are considered out and cannot play until their team switches sides.  When the batting team receives three outs, they switch sides.  Successfully rounding the entire diamond earns the team a point, and the team with the most points at the end of the ninth inning wins the game.

April 3, 2013: Doll the Big Game Hunter

You'd think the smell of freshly burnt gunpowder in a forest full of large deer wouldn't be particularly notable, but the circumstances behind this firing are much more odd than most oft think.  For, you see, the one firing their armament was no man, or at that, human.  This time, a large, sentient Barbie doll in full camouflage, bedecked with spare ammunition, was the one behind the trigger.  But how could such be possible?

The story began on a quiet winter's day, out in the open countryside.  A little girl living with her family had left her Barbie in the kitchen, where her mother was cooking.  Her mother had a reputation as being the worst chef known to man, with the exaggeration not being too far from the truth.  The girl's Barbie fell into a vat of what was supposed to be mashed potatoes but seemed more like toxic waste, and the effects of the strange and alien brew were immediate - the doll was flung from the pot and stirred to life, growing to the size of a fully grown adult woman.

Several years passed, and the living doll came to realize her passion for hunting.  It's a good thing, that, since she was a far superior cook as well.  Every night she would venture into the deer-filled woods only a mile away and bring back big kills, all with plenty of juicy meat ripe for the stew-pot.  She always aimed for the highest point buck she could find, and only once missed her mark when a doe got in the way.  It would be happy times for the lot of them, with food abundant.

April 2, 2013: Boom

A mainstay of a certain national holiday, fireworks are relatively low-yield explosives designed mainly to provide impressive pyrotechnic displays.  They are commonly filled with gunpowder to give thrust and to cause the initial explosion, and varying chemicals and compounds to give the colors and patterns of the explosions.  Different ingredients give different explosions in different colors, patterns, and configurations, to the point where you can deliberately make intricate shapes from the blasts.

Examples of materials used in fireworks can range from barium, which in most forms gives green colors, to calcium which provides red colorations, as well as copper, which gives the display blue colors.  These are merely some of the chemical groups which can have effects on the blasts, and not all chemicals are used for coloration.  Some can control when the explosion happens, some can control how large or small the blast is, some are even used merely to help keep a firework together.

April 1, 2013: Nocturnum Lumen

As always, the day's comparison this time is of two things that are almost diametrically opposed.  There's a well known saying, "these two things are as different as day and night".  Considering the day's comparison is indeed day and night, this saying is about to rise to a new level of literalness.  Parental guidance is advised for all readers who have a fear of the night, or who just dislike comparison blog posts.  You have been warned.

Day is mainly characterized by the presence of the sun in the sky, which provides for an abundant source of light and heat.  Conversely, night is known for the absence of such a powerful light source, with the moon instead dominating the sky, providing a far less intense light upon the land.  Such allows for the stars hanging in the celestial ether, and the cosmic black void beyond them, to become much more readily visible.  Furthermore, the temperature lowers as the hot, bright sun lowers below the horizon and the cooler moon rises.

March 20, 2013: Tartar Swift

There could not be a day more foul.  A necromancer had hatched a decades-old scheme for world domination and formed a mass of tartar sauce into the shape of Taylor Swift, promptly infusing it with thirty years' worth of damned souls.  The now-sentient blob was enchanted so that it would look and smell normal, and was sent out to hold concerts to draw in unsuspecting crowds and drain their souls to power a massive device intended to turn all humans into shambling undead minions.

Thankfully, fate had other plans for the vain necromancer.  A group of heroes using devices designed to neutralize tartar sauce, known as F.I.S.H.S.T.I.C.K.S., were sent to end the menace of Tartar Swift and her shadowy master.  They easily dealt with the false singer, and after using her to coat fish sticks and eat them, the went after the necromancer and brought him to justice.  All had been saved!

March 19, 2013: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD

Gold is, perhaps, the most well-known of all valuable metals, and of all valuable materials (alongside diamonds).  It is a universal symbol of wealth and sophistication, known throughout all the world for it's luster.  In layman's terms, it's a pretty yellow metal worth a lot of money.

Gold is also one of the most malleable metals, easily shaped due to it's softness.  Make no mistake, a good ingot of the stuff to the back of the head is still a sure way to give someone a concussion and to take their consciousness for a time, but still.  This makes it very easy to turn into bars and coins.

March 14, 2013: Through an Ancient Castle

Castlevania is one of the classic video game franchises, and like so many classic franchises it saw it's beginnings in the hey-day of the Nintendo Entertainment System (or NES).  In actuality, however, the first entry into one of Konami's flagship franchises was made for the Family Computer Disk System in 1986, which would then see a port to the MSX 2 computer, later localized in Europe and South America as Vampire Killer.  It wasn't until it hit North American and European shores as a port to the NES in 1987 that the series gained fame.

Since the initial game, many sequels and prequels alike have been released across a multitude of platforms, and most are installments into the central tale:  the Belmont clan, a long bloodline of vampire hunters that wield the Vampire Killer, (a holy whip that is capable of killing the otherwise invincible kings of the night) fight against the mighty Dark Lord, Dracula, otherwise known as the strongest vampire of all with a desire to exact vengeance for all his sorrows and destroy all humanity.  Every time Dracula is killed by a heroic Belmont, he either revives himself after a century's time or is brought back by his demonic legions, who reside in the eponymous castle, Castlevania.  It is a long, epic conflict that spans nearly a thousand years (most of this time is indeed covered in the games).  There's an old saying that goes, "True evil never dies, and all that is necessary for its triumph is for good men to do nothing."  This time, the good men always work...

This series has undergone many changes over the years, starting from the linear formula from the first game to a meld of Castlevania's elements with those of the Metroid series, and various RPG elements, starting with Symphony of the Night.  These games would be labeled Metroidvanias from then on out, and this formula has dominated Castlevania's gameplay to this very day. 

March 13, 2013: I Need To Fix This

One day there was a wrench.  It was alive and had hair, and it loved to blow dry it's hair with a burning passion.  Every day it would wet it's hair down and use the hairdryer on itself, relishing every second of the heated air of the device on it's hair.

One day, unfortunately, the hairdryer stopped working properly.  Thus, the living wrench flexed it's wrenchiness and served it's purpose, to fix things.  After a good dive into the broken and defected hairdryer, the repair was a success and the wrench could go on with it's hobby of hairdrying.

March 12, 2013: uwwwEEEEEEEEEEE

Pigs are, unlike what Animal Farm would have you believe, not all evil.  Pigs are even-toed ungulates of the Suidae family, and are commonly known for their pork.  They are extremely close to humans and, as demonstrated by Mythbusters, make for excellent analogues.  SQUEEEEEEEEEEEeeeEEEEeeaaAAAALLLll.

Pigs are rather friendly animals, and are among the more intelligent among them.  They are just as good as pets as when they are on the table.  It's possible to train them much like dogs, which is not too surprising considering how long they have been domesticated.  UWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

March 11, 2013: Bowtiesh Are Jusht Better

Look at that guy above.  He'sh not jusht wearing a tie, he'sh wearing a bowtie.  Why, you may ashk?  Becaushe bowtiesh are better, and Jamesh Bond (eshpecially hish Shean Connery incarnation) knowsh how to look good in a shuit and shave the day in time for hish vodka martini - shaken, not shtirred.

There'sh a bit more challenge in tying a bowtie, ash well, which can lend to a very rewarding feeling once the deed ish done shuccshesshfully.  There'sh alsho the increashed variety over regular tiesh, allowing for more shtylistic choices in one's apparel.  Once again, bowtiesh are jusht better.

March 7, 2013: Cylindricality

(found on Google Images)

Cylinders are a type of three-dimensional shape that is more or less a bar.  There's also graduated cylinders, which are cylindrical glass containers that have measuring marks on them.  These are commonly used in labs and such.  They are among a scientist's best friends (watch out for the ones that didn't graduate).

They are designed to allow someone to precisely measure liquids for experiments.  They are much like a cook's liquid measuring cup in this regard.  Without these, experiments would more often than not end up going awry in many frightening ways, something to be avoided.  And this was possibly the most useless blog entry ever (really, everyone knows this stuff).

March 6, 2013: Toilet Demons

A man had recently felt the call of nature, and was obligated to make a visit to his illustrious porcelain throne.  As he sat, however, a loud rusting sound was heard from within the bowl.  He stood once more and inspected the interior of his kingly seat, and lo and behold a pigeon had constructed a cozy nest within!  He made his way to his telephone so that he could contact pest control, but as he exited his restroom, the flying fiend lept from its home and flew after the house owner.

The battle had finally begun!  The man grabbed a nearby baseball bat and swung time and time again at the small feathered beast, but every time it evaded.  He then grabbed some nearby darts that he uses on his dartboard and tried to throw them at the bird, but again, the pigeon deftly dodged the projectiles.  Finally, it dove for the man and tried to peck out his eyes, but mere moments before it could hit it's mark, the man swung his bat for the last time, and his swing struck true on the tiny animal.  It was unable to withstand the sheer force of the bat, and was laid out on the floor lifeless.  Victorious, he used a paper towel to pick up the bird's corpse and flung it out of a window.

March 4, 2013: Yes Man

Yes is the greatest word to ever grace the English language.  It allows for things that people want to do to be done, unlike it's evil counterpart 'no'.  Yes is good, no is bad!  Well, under most conditions, that holds true at least.

I've heard so much no in my life that I'm almost ready to believe that people favor it over yes.  Every time I ask someone something, the odds are good that they will say no.  Sometimes I do want no to be said, but most of the time my beloved yes will be ignored.  Yes, it is very infuriating at times.

March 1, 2013: Keeps Stuff Up

You've heard it said on every single science fiction show in history, ESPECIALLY if you watch Star Trek.  But structural integrity is not limited to the stars, it's an actual rating for real-world devices and components.  Without it, machines would not be able to handle their daily work, and even simple objects would break at the slightest touch.  It's obviously something important to everything.

The structural integrity rating is designed to show how much of a load a machine or object can withstand throughout its intended service life.  If adhered to, your device will serve you well.  Exceed the rated load, however, and you're at obvious risk to break whatever it is you are using.  Even we humans have an unwritten structural integrity rating!

February 28, 2013: Timp-orary

Timpani (singular: timpano), also known as kettle drums, are a staple of most orchestras.  They are best known for their deep booming sound, which on the lower notes is quite thunderous, yet not so much as the concert bass drum.  Some timpani are specially made to reach lower or higher notes.  They go along quite well with snare drums and concert toms, as well as the aforementioned bass drums.

Of note is the many ways that can be employed to tune these drums.  The most common is by pedal, which allows one to use their foot for tuning, and is connected to the tuning screws by a spider, or an array of metal cords or rods.  Another, less common method is chain tuning, in which a large chain is run around the head of the instrument, much like the chain of a bicycle, and a single large hammer allows for the tuning.  There are several other methods as well, but these are the main two.

February 27, 2013: Crowning Moment of Puppy

A nuclear holocaust had occurred two years prior to the events about to unfold.  And two years after the armageddon, to the very day, a legendary baby was born that would restore the world's order to what it had been.  And he would be accompanied by a puppy, born on the same day.

Seconds after the baby was born, he grabbed a nearby pair of nunchucks, as did his doggy companion.  They both set out and faced down the armies of thugs strewn throughout the world and cut through them like a hot knife through butter.  Soon, they came upon the one responsible for the disaster years before, and the one leading the thug armies.

 He looked a lot like that.

One epic battle amongst a field of flames later, the baby hero sent his puppy to gnaw this Big Bad's eyes out, then knocked him down an endless pit. THE END.

February 25, 2013: Watercycle (not the water cycle)

Watermelons and bicycles have very little in common, to the point where comparing them is like comparing apples and orang- oh, wait.  One is a fruit meant for animal consumption, the other is a vehicle meant for transportation.  So how one compares such radically different objects can prove to be a challenge.  Except, not really - there are a couple of ways by which this comparison can be accomplished.

The most obvious point of comparison is that both have a quality of roundness to them.  The bicycle's tires are round, and the entire watermelon is also round, albeit it is more of an ovoid.  They can also be rather heavy, with the bicycle having its weight more spread out than the fruit.  Finally, they are both large objects.

February 22, 2013: Annoyances

Kindergarten is an important time of a child's schooling.  Whereas the preschool days prepared them for the beginning of their school life, kindergarten serves as the big introduction.  It is when children are registered and meet the other children that they will come to love or hate for a considerable stretch of years.  It also happens that they are egregiously annoying, most of the time.

Yes, this is the common stigma associated with young children.  It seems that any children significantly younger than oneself will do all they can to annoy the one in question to the point of their minds breaking, and it only gets worse the younger said tykes are.  Kindergarteners in particular may be the most odious of the lot, but really due to no deliberate fault of their own, as they are (usually) naturally curious and will stare a hole in someone and ask prodding questions until the cows decide to return home.  It still frequently becomes quite frustrating.

February 21, 2013: That's Some Seriously Sleet News

Sleet...is somewhat hard to describe.  It's somewhat accurate to describe it as somewhere between rain and snow, with the second definition basically having it as a smaller form of hail.  It is one of the three constituents of a U.S.-style 'wintry mix' weather system.  the other two components are the highly related snow and freezing rain (which is extremely close to the first definition).

Sleet is adept at ruining road conditions, given how it is small and can easily meld together and become a solid sheet of ice on the ground.  It is more effective than it's drier cousin snow, and if you go by the second definition, is about on par with freezing rain.  It can easily be the bane of school/work commuters everywhere, especially should it show up with its two brethren.  Beware should you be caught in the middle of such a storm, should sleet find you!

February 20, 2013: Weast

Among the four cardinal directions lie east and west, laying upon the right and left sides of the compass, respectively.  Truth be told, neither is truly superior to the other, as they are but directions, and have no innate need for superiority.  However, the force of opinion can bend and change this fact on a personal level.

I personally choose the west.  I find it generally more pleasing to stare off westward than eastward, perhaps because my grandfather and I formed a tradition when I was but a small boy to venture to Malden, a town which lies westward of Risco, every Saturday and visit one of the eateries therein.  Amazing how one's personal history can affect their opinions and preferences, no?  That is the most likely root of my preference of west, or 'westference' if you will.

February 19, 2013: How Unfortunate

Someone clearly had some fun naming this town.

You can't go your whole life without learning of some poor sap, or something else that was stuck with a well and truly unfortunate name.  Be it that the name just sounds funny, or happens to truly be a disgrace, unfortunate namings are just that - unfortunate.

Their level of laugh- or anger-bringing depends on the name in question.  It can range from the chuckle-inducing Butte, to the hysterical Whizzer (worst color/name combo ever), to offensive names such as a black baby being named "Apeson" or something of that nature.  Whatever the effect, unfortunate names will forever be a plague to those that bear them.

February 15, 2013: Oh God, These Are Too Long

Fingernails are something else taken for granted.  They're the small, tough things that grow from out fingers, what is there that is notable about them?  Aside from the fact that they are prime for decorating, clawing at things with, and chewing at, people don't acknowledge the common fingernail much.

The nail serves a function similar to claws in other animals, except they are much softer and more fragile.  They also have similarities to horns.  However, their main function is not this, instead they serve more as a barrier for the nail matrix and nail bed, which contains numerous nerves and vessels for lymph and blood.  The lunula, the small lighter-colored portion at the nail's base is the visible portion of the nail matrix.  They are more permeable than most people believe - in fact, they are more permeable than normal skin, meaning that despite their physical toughness, many things can pass through them. 

February 14, 2013: Goes Well With Other Brass

There are four main brass instruments that one would usually find in the orchestra - trumpets (high notes), trombones (mid-low notes), tubas (very low notes), and french horns (mid notes).

Like any instrument, the horn has a distinctive sound set apart from other brass instruments, but this one has a tone even more set apart from it's four main brethren.  Its shape is also different from the trumpet and trombone, but still somewhat similar to one, the tuba, in that it has a circular shape.

As far as I know, it seems to fill out the middle note range, alongside the trombone, which still goes a bit lower.  It is my personal favorite of the brass family of instruments.

February 13, 2013: This Cocktail Tastes Like Chemicals

(This is the story of how Gene Simmons obtained one of the most uncouth superpowers of all time.  This story is entirely fictitious, and is in no way meant to be taken as reality.  No people portrayed here have actual superpowers, at least as far as I know.)

The year is 2015.  It was night in the Simmons residence.  Famed Kiss member Gene Simmons, also known for his show, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, was doing something very odd in the kitchen.  He was imbibing a full gallon of radioactive fingernail polish.

"Urgh, that's the stuff..."

Now, there is an explanation for this.  Last January, Gene had fallen into a massive vat of this strange substance.  In a very Marvel-esque fashion, he gained the ability to shoot poisonous fingernail polish from any orifice in his body, but the man drawback is that he must have at lease a quarter of a gallon of the stuff in his body at all times, or else when he next uses this ability the poisonous substance will backfire and enter his bloodstream.  And so every week, he polishes off a gallon of the liquid so that he can stay topped off.

The most spectacular event that befell the empowered Gene happened only last week.  A super-corporation with ties to the Illuminati had attempted to take over the world, and after using his rather polished powers to carve a path through enemy soldiers to no avail, Gene hatched an idea.  He brought together the old members of Kiss once more and held a massive concert outside the corporation's main stronghold and headquarters in the hopes of drawing out the leader.  The epic concert lasted for several days, but at last the man came out and Gene drowned him in poisonous fingernail polish.  And that's how Gene Simmons, the power of rock, and fingernail polish saved the world.

 

February 12, 2013: TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life

Yes, that's right. Hope you enjoyed having mostly non-critical views towards fiction in general.

TV Tropes is a well-known wiki-type site, and one of my favorites.  Unlike it's older sibling, commonly known as That Other Wiki on the site, TV Tropes is a more fun-loving, laid-back site with a relaxed atmosphere.  It has multiple forums and is extremely easy to register to.

Fun fact:  it calls linking to other pages on-site Potholing, a practice of which I shall indulge in for this entry.

It is a rather comprehensive compendium of different writing conventions, plot devices, and figures of speech.  Using this, you can come to understand nearly every single aspect of storytelling and fiction, right down to characters, from heroes to villains.  If you need to know it, TV Tropes probably has the info.

If you stay there long enough, you may find the opposite of life-shattering consequences and corrupted vocabulary may cast it's blessing on you - you could gain an enhanced vocabulary, knowledge enough to impress some teachers, can steer you away from negative writing conventions if you write stories, can make you funnier, and much, MUCH more.  You could well pleasantly benefit from a visit.

February 11, 2013: This May Be Handy

Does anyone need a hand?

Hands are the most versatile appendages, being able t grab & hold, rearrange, operate devices, point out oddities, write, type, and many other tasks.  Our hands and their unique structure is what sets humans apart from most other animals.  However, there is one catch to these Awesome Appendages© that can be complicating - how many people are more adept at one hand than the other.

I, specifically, am right-handed, and I find my right hand is far more useful than my left.  It allows me to write efficiently, pick up objects, all the usual tasks as listed above.  My left hand, however, can barely do any of these things at all...in fact, my left is suited manly for assisting my right in lifting things.  Should I try to write with my left hand, it would come out nearly illegible - something that rarely happens with my right hand.  (My left can type just as well as my right, strangely)  As such, I have a natural tendency and preference to use my right hand, and I generally like it more than the other.  This kind of sentiment is shared with most people, depending on their handedness.

February 5, 2013: D'OH!!!

 

 Do you see that up there?  That majestic, sweet pastry practically leaking with divine essence?  That, my friends, is the holy grail of all pastries:  the donut.

Donuts are without a shadow of a doubt the best baked good to ever hit the public eye.  The have an extraordinary range of variations (such as the greatest of them all, the jelly donut, pictured above), are easy to produce in mass quantities, and can be fitted many at a time in boxes for when an on-the-go snack is called for.  Donuts, in other words, are perfect for anything, and you'll be hard-pressed to find someone who dislikes them (and do I pity those poor souls).

February 4, 2013: Tennisandals

This should be a no-brainer: tennis shoes (or as many people seem to pronounce it, 'tenna' shoes), or any other shoe that covers your entire foot, are better than sandals.  However, it seems that people have not thought about this, and continue to choose sandals over safer shoe types. Let's see why they could reconsider.

Tennis shoes, given how they cover the entire foot, prevent your feet from being exposed to the elements as much as sandals do.  Example:  you are walking through an area known to contain many cockleburs.  You have no choice but to make this trek, as something important lies within the area, or perhaps beyond it.  It is also the middle of summer, and the sun is beating down upon you.  You are wearing sandals, as well, and as you walk, your feet are pricked and stuck by the sharp spines of the burs innumerable times, and are subjected to sunburn.  After you've reached your destination, your feet are so sore that you frantically begin to look for a place under some shade to sit.  Had you worn some tennis shoes, you wouldn't be in such a prickly situation, no?

February 1, 2013: Saltier Than a Sailor

Salt has been a part of human culinary practices since the beginning of time.  It has added it's characteristic flavor to our foods since ancient times, and with the advent of the humble salt shaker came a whole world of ease in applying salt to the food on your plate.  It's something someone will almost always see on their dining table, and would be sorely out of place in most other places.

Salt shakers also let one know when it's salt reserves are running low, which allows for quick and easy refilling.  They give ease to applying just the amount of salt one would desire on their foodstuffs, and thus allow for as much flavor as wanted.  They also make for great decorations when coupled with pepper shakers.

January 30, 2012: It's The Most Presidential Time of the Year

It was President's Day, 2013.  President Obama was about to address the nation to share his thoughts about the day when the entire white house shook.  His papers flew off his desk as an odd, fierce wind blew throughout his entire office.  The culmination of the inexplicable events was a massive portal shining with blinding light opening at the center of the Oval Office...and a man stepped through.

George Washington, first president of the United States, stepped through in his full general uniform.  There was a secret hidden by the government, so deep-rooted that not even presidents were told. They would have to learn by experiencing it for themselves, that George Washington steps through time to meet each president.  Obama was understandably flabbergasted, shown through his wide-eyed expression of shock.  The former first president walked with stride to his far-removed successor's desk.

"I trust all has gone well in the country I have once led?  Oh, don't be surprised.  I visit all presidents that come after my time.  Ask not how I do, that is confidential."

Was this really happening?  Obama could not believe this, but there could be only one explanation:  George Washington had come to visit.  There would be no other way to describe that portal full of light either, no?

"Sir...this is quite an honor.  But why are you here?  Aren't you dead?"

"Hahaha!  They've all said that!  I've come here because I've watched you, ever since the start of your first term.  And, to say the least...I've been disappointed.  Not just by you, but by your predecessor.  This economy is abysmal, and you cannot even put your congress in their places.  I cannot condone this.  I've come here to hopefully convince you to work harder."

"But, sir!  I've worked as hard as I possibly can, and the current congress doesn't even know the meaning of working together! How am I supposed to get them in line when they won't listen to anything but the sound of money being put into their wallets and bank accounts?! That is the only thing they care about!"

Washington sighs.  This may be harder than he thought.

"I never said this would be easy.  Think not that you could snap your fingers and end this now, this will take time.  But you must do something, or this country will whither and die.  Remember, I fought for this country, I will not have it meet it's end like this.  Please, work harder than you ever have before, and you will see results.  The office of president is not an easy office to handle, and it is not meant to be.  But, anyone can do it with a little faith and abundant amounts of work."

He smiled, then stepped back through the portal.  Maybe now the newer president would be a bit more inspired.  Obama was still sitting practically agape from all this, but still...George Washington just visited.  He felt obligated to follow his ancient predecessor's words...

January 29, 2013: Eight-Legged Freaks of Nature

If you were to ask me what the most frightening representative of nightmares was, I would respond with SPIDERS.  They're walking masses of hysteria and madness-inducing fear, with eight legs every probing into the outside world to find new prey. EEEEEEUURRRGH.

Spiders are the most well-known type of arachnid, and there are many types of spiders alone, some scarier than others.  Most of them are equipped with their trademark weapon, neurotoxins, which paralyze prey and allow the spider to liquefy the insides of it's catch.  Most spiders spin webs in their hunting activities, which also conveniently double as homes, but not all spiders do this.  Some relative rarities, such as trapdoor spiders, resort to other methods.  Even with web-builders, their webs can vary, such as those of banana spiders which have a zig-zag pattern.  If I weren't so scared of them, I could pay some time to admire...

January 28, 2013: Why Is This Apple Orange

The old proverbial comparison goes "like comparing apples to oranges."  This little phrase is used to show how it is impractical to compare two things that are wildly different.  However, today, not only is a wild comparison going to be done...apples and oranges are going to literally be compared.

Apples and oranges are both types of fruits that are mostly spherical, and that are known for their nutritional value and juice.  They both grow on trees and are rather easy to pick, and after washing can be eaten right away.  Apples and oranges both have parts that are commonly not eaten (the apple has the core, the orange has the rind).  As before stated, both fruits are well known for their juices.  Orange juice has a distinctive tangy sensation to it, even somewhat bittersweet, all due to it's nature as a citrus fruit.  Apple juice is usually sweeter and more mild than orange juice.  Apples can be mashed into applesauce, however oranges cannot due to their different texture and makeup.  Finally, oranges have a distinctive mutation known as blood oranges, which is mostly self-explanatory:  when developed under certain conditions, oranges make acquire a pigment that colors their flesh blood-red.  As far as I know, apples have no mutation like this.

January 25, 2013: Tying Catastrophes

 

Trust me when I say that the top and bottom ones will be of much more help to you than the infuriating center type.

These are aglets, small pieces of hard material that are used to help bind the ends of shoelaces and keep them from becoming undone.  Metal aglets are trustworthy, but likely because of this, most of them are plastic.  Plastic aglets have a major, unfortunate design flaw in that they all invariably come apart. When they do, say goodbye to your shoelace.

Most give these tiny devices very little notice, and why should they? They are but small, hollow cylinders that admittedly do nothing noteworty, other than keep shoelaces from unraveling into their component threads, that is.  Yet another object most humans take for granted, much like bricks and chairs. 

January 22, 2013: This Post Sucks, Literally

There exists something in this universe.  A veritable, all-consuming abomination.  It is the black gate into the dark abyss of death itself...the black hole.

Black holes are the remnants of dead starts that have thrown all but their unstable cores off of themselves in catastrophic abandon.  When the fires of chaos caused by the supernova blast recede, the core is left, and it twists itself into something that is...wrong.  Under the influence of unstoppable gravity, the core collapses into a dark counterpart of itself, the black hole - a cosmic reaper of sorts, in that not even light can escape it's inexorable pull.  Everything is devoured by these inanimate beasts, and crushed into nothingness within.  Planets, stars, anything that exists...all but food for the undead star.

For all the horror that surrounds these abominations of the very laws of physics, it's hard to not admire them.  They are perhaps the strongest known cosmic forces, bending even light to its (non-existent) will.  This should also make it obvious I admire powerful things. *writer is shot in the eyeballs*

January 21, 2013: At Least There Aren't Snakes

(Just like the last story entry, any similarity to any persons living or dead, or to any real life situations, is entirely coincidence.  This entire story is fictitious.)

An old Japanese man by the name of Daisuke was en route to the United States - he was the CEO of a major global software firm, and a meeting with rival corporation Microsoft to discuss a possible merge.  The meeting was planned for July 15, 2658, but Daisuke was planning ahead and had left several days early. He should arrive in the U.S. in three more hours.

There was one problem, however, in that the old CEO's private jet airliner's air conditioning was broken.  His repair crew had promised to have it repaired by the time Daisuke was supposed to leave, but the job had gone so slow that it was too late for them to finish before their boss had to leave.  And so off he went into the sky, in ninety degree summer weather.  Now, he was too busy shifting about in his seat in significant discomfort and sipping from his twentieth bottle of cold water to be able to relax.

"This heat is unbearable! How much longer until we touch down?!"

The pilot leaned from his seat to face the irate CEO and told him it would still be two and a half hours until they reached their destination.  And he and his co-pilot had to agree with Daisuke about the heat, it was making piloting the plane extremely difficult.  Fortunately, the repair crew had tagged along and were still busy doing their repairs.  Even though they were working as fast as they possibly could under all the heat and pressure, the weather almost claimed their lives when the pilot passed out from heat exhaustion.  The co-pilot, thankfully, was able to take over, and soon enough the air conditioning was fully repaired and operational.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Daisuke moved under a vent and cooled himself off, a long overdue blast of cool air hitting him right on his face.  The plane landed in the United States a couple of hours later without further incident.

January 18, 2013: Blow It Out Your Nose

aaaah...aaaaAAAAaahhh.....AAAAAAAA......AAA-CHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Oh no, it's everywhere! I know what I need for this!

Tissues have been a staple of illness management for many a year now, likely for their usefulness in controlling an unruly nose.  When it seems like your nose has stopped running and is sprinting instead, it's time to reach for the tissues.  I have personally had many dealings with these marvelous sheets of paper, as when my nose starts it's leak, it's much like the old saying with rain: "when it rains, it pours."

Facial tissues are actually the disposable alternatives to handkerchiefs, which generally serve the same purpose but can be much more dangerous as they hold the bacteria and viruses of the illness they are used for in, and must be washed, not thrown away.  In this way, tissues are much safer and more convenient.  Kleenex has basically become the top dog when it comes to tissues, their brand name having become generic for use to refer to any tissues of any brand.

January 15, 2013: Organic

If there was one instrument of the musical arts that I truly admired above all others, it would be the grandiose, majestic pipe organ.  From these mighty colossi you can hear a rumble greater than that of any bass, and a timbre that can only be approximated by a full orchestra.  Curiously enough, this was meant to go the other way around, as pipe organs were made to be able to imitate a full orchestra.  They soon gained their own distinct sound, however, and if you seek a sound like that of what was originally meant for these instruments, try a theater organ.

When one thinks of the pipe organ, they may think of the music of Bach, and understandably so as his music contributed in great part to the organ repertoire.  In fact, he even referred to it by it's most fitting name:  "The King of Instruments."

January 17, 2013: BADUM TSSHHHH

I clearly must be out of my mind.  Why would I write about this? Well, because I love funny things, this one subject came to mind.

The rimshot.

Rimshot is actually not the correct name for the famous three hits.  In fact, the true name is the comedy sting, and a rimshot is what happens when one strikes both the rim and the head of a drum at the same time.  Even still, people have come to use this name instead.  One of those unanswerable questions, I'm sure.

Rimshots are great for when one wants to add a little extra punctuation to a bad joke or pun, to ensure maximum groan factor.  I often enjoy imitating one to emphasize my punishingly bad jokes, as well.