March 20, 2013: Tartar Swift

There could not be a day more foul.  A necromancer had hatched a decades-old scheme for world domination and formed a mass of tartar sauce into the shape of Taylor Swift, promptly infusing it with thirty years' worth of damned souls.  The now-sentient blob was enchanted so that it would look and smell normal, and was sent out to hold concerts to draw in unsuspecting crowds and drain their souls to power a massive device intended to turn all humans into shambling undead minions.

Thankfully, fate had other plans for the vain necromancer.  A group of heroes using devices designed to neutralize tartar sauce, known as F.I.S.H.S.T.I.C.K.S., were sent to end the menace of Tartar Swift and her shadowy master.  They easily dealt with the false singer, and after using her to coat fish sticks and eat them, the went after the necromancer and brought him to justice.  All had been saved!

March 19, 2013: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD

Gold is, perhaps, the most well-known of all valuable metals, and of all valuable materials (alongside diamonds).  It is a universal symbol of wealth and sophistication, known throughout all the world for it's luster.  In layman's terms, it's a pretty yellow metal worth a lot of money.

Gold is also one of the most malleable metals, easily shaped due to it's softness.  Make no mistake, a good ingot of the stuff to the back of the head is still a sure way to give someone a concussion and to take their consciousness for a time, but still.  This makes it very easy to turn into bars and coins.

March 14, 2013: Through an Ancient Castle

Castlevania is one of the classic video game franchises, and like so many classic franchises it saw it's beginnings in the hey-day of the Nintendo Entertainment System (or NES).  In actuality, however, the first entry into one of Konami's flagship franchises was made for the Family Computer Disk System in 1986, which would then see a port to the MSX 2 computer, later localized in Europe and South America as Vampire Killer.  It wasn't until it hit North American and European shores as a port to the NES in 1987 that the series gained fame.

Since the initial game, many sequels and prequels alike have been released across a multitude of platforms, and most are installments into the central tale:  the Belmont clan, a long bloodline of vampire hunters that wield the Vampire Killer, (a holy whip that is capable of killing the otherwise invincible kings of the night) fight against the mighty Dark Lord, Dracula, otherwise known as the strongest vampire of all with a desire to exact vengeance for all his sorrows and destroy all humanity.  Every time Dracula is killed by a heroic Belmont, he either revives himself after a century's time or is brought back by his demonic legions, who reside in the eponymous castle, Castlevania.  It is a long, epic conflict that spans nearly a thousand years (most of this time is indeed covered in the games).  There's an old saying that goes, "True evil never dies, and all that is necessary for its triumph is for good men to do nothing."  This time, the good men always work...

This series has undergone many changes over the years, starting from the linear formula from the first game to a meld of Castlevania's elements with those of the Metroid series, and various RPG elements, starting with Symphony of the Night.  These games would be labeled Metroidvanias from then on out, and this formula has dominated Castlevania's gameplay to this very day. 

March 13, 2013: I Need To Fix This

One day there was a wrench.  It was alive and had hair, and it loved to blow dry it's hair with a burning passion.  Every day it would wet it's hair down and use the hairdryer on itself, relishing every second of the heated air of the device on it's hair.

One day, unfortunately, the hairdryer stopped working properly.  Thus, the living wrench flexed it's wrenchiness and served it's purpose, to fix things.  After a good dive into the broken and defected hairdryer, the repair was a success and the wrench could go on with it's hobby of hairdrying.

March 12, 2013: uwwwEEEEEEEEEEE

Pigs are, unlike what Animal Farm would have you believe, not all evil.  Pigs are even-toed ungulates of the Suidae family, and are commonly known for their pork.  They are extremely close to humans and, as demonstrated by Mythbusters, make for excellent analogues.  SQUEEEEEEEEEEEeeeEEEEeeaaAAAALLLll.

Pigs are rather friendly animals, and are among the more intelligent among them.  They are just as good as pets as when they are on the table.  It's possible to train them much like dogs, which is not too surprising considering how long they have been domesticated.  UWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

March 11, 2013: Bowtiesh Are Jusht Better

Look at that guy above.  He'sh not jusht wearing a tie, he'sh wearing a bowtie.  Why, you may ashk?  Becaushe bowtiesh are better, and Jamesh Bond (eshpecially hish Shean Connery incarnation) knowsh how to look good in a shuit and shave the day in time for hish vodka martini - shaken, not shtirred.

There'sh a bit more challenge in tying a bowtie, ash well, which can lend to a very rewarding feeling once the deed ish done shuccshesshfully.  There'sh alsho the increashed variety over regular tiesh, allowing for more shtylistic choices in one's apparel.  Once again, bowtiesh are jusht better.

March 7, 2013: Cylindricality

(found on Google Images)

Cylinders are a type of three-dimensional shape that is more or less a bar.  There's also graduated cylinders, which are cylindrical glass containers that have measuring marks on them.  These are commonly used in labs and such.  They are among a scientist's best friends (watch out for the ones that didn't graduate).

They are designed to allow someone to precisely measure liquids for experiments.  They are much like a cook's liquid measuring cup in this regard.  Without these, experiments would more often than not end up going awry in many frightening ways, something to be avoided.  And this was possibly the most useless blog entry ever (really, everyone knows this stuff).

March 6, 2013: Toilet Demons

A man had recently felt the call of nature, and was obligated to make a visit to his illustrious porcelain throne.  As he sat, however, a loud rusting sound was heard from within the bowl.  He stood once more and inspected the interior of his kingly seat, and lo and behold a pigeon had constructed a cozy nest within!  He made his way to his telephone so that he could contact pest control, but as he exited his restroom, the flying fiend lept from its home and flew after the house owner.

The battle had finally begun!  The man grabbed a nearby baseball bat and swung time and time again at the small feathered beast, but every time it evaded.  He then grabbed some nearby darts that he uses on his dartboard and tried to throw them at the bird, but again, the pigeon deftly dodged the projectiles.  Finally, it dove for the man and tried to peck out his eyes, but mere moments before it could hit it's mark, the man swung his bat for the last time, and his swing struck true on the tiny animal.  It was unable to withstand the sheer force of the bat, and was laid out on the floor lifeless.  Victorious, he used a paper towel to pick up the bird's corpse and flung it out of a window.

March 4, 2013: Yes Man

Yes is the greatest word to ever grace the English language.  It allows for things that people want to do to be done, unlike it's evil counterpart 'no'.  Yes is good, no is bad!  Well, under most conditions, that holds true at least.

I've heard so much no in my life that I'm almost ready to believe that people favor it over yes.  Every time I ask someone something, the odds are good that they will say no.  Sometimes I do want no to be said, but most of the time my beloved yes will be ignored.  Yes, it is very infuriating at times.

March 1, 2013: Keeps Stuff Up

You've heard it said on every single science fiction show in history, ESPECIALLY if you watch Star Trek.  But structural integrity is not limited to the stars, it's an actual rating for real-world devices and components.  Without it, machines would not be able to handle their daily work, and even simple objects would break at the slightest touch.  It's obviously something important to everything.

The structural integrity rating is designed to show how much of a load a machine or object can withstand throughout its intended service life.  If adhered to, your device will serve you well.  Exceed the rated load, however, and you're at obvious risk to break whatever it is you are using.  Even we humans have an unwritten structural integrity rating!